Friday, December 31, 2010

If life is a book this would be chapter one

Before I can talk about who I am now and who I want to be  - I feel like these first few posts need to be about where I came from.  You can't understand me, until you understand what made me.

As a little girl I always prayed the same prayer - I wanted to be a mommy and be married by age 21.  As a little girl I didn't at all understand what that prayer entailed.  Never once did that prayer include "God, please make my marriage strong, my husband noble, and prepare me to be the wife I need to be."

I was a kid, but I was a determined kid.  Maybe this longing to have a child of my own stemmed from my longing to have a dad of my own, or to have a mom who didn't have to work all the time.  Don't get me wrong, my childhood was nothing like a lot of kids who dealt with true suffrage and true loss, but I did have a void that needed to be filled.

The first four years of my life were spent living with my mom and my grandparents.  My mom had me when she was young, and my dad left the picture during her pregnancy.  Never to be seen again until my teen years.  There were a lot of details about their break-up that honestly are not mine to share... 

What I will share is that I was brought into this world and placed into the arms of my mother - a young woman who was full of dreams and had the ability to conquer them.  She was a news reporter.  My grandma watched me when my mom worked and I quickly became her spoiled little grand baby...

I loved living there, I loved being on their farm, learning how to take care of their garden and animals, and how to cook country food.  It was all I knew.

My mom worked a lot, but she loved me greatly.  I just never understood that then.  I became extremely close to my grandmother, and could not understand why my grandma spent more time with me than my mom did.  I could not understand the concept that my mom had to work, but as a kid I felt in some way rejected from the start.  

Right before my 5th birthday my mom got married to my step-dad.  He was a man that had never been married before and did not have any kids.  He didn't know what had hit him when I walked into his life.  I had a fiery spirit, and I was incredibly angry that I was ripped away from the only home I ever knew with my grandma and grandpa.  Little did I know that my living with them was not ever intended to be the permanent place for my mom and I.  This started the next chapter of life.... A chapter I kicked, screamed, and cried in.  The chapter I started to grow up in. 

More to come.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

why a blog?

I am not a blog reader... I only catch people's blogs when I see a random tweet or facebook post about one and I have extra time on my hands.  I don't expect to have an audience or "subscribers" as this website calls it.  I write because I have things to say.  I write because I have a voice and yet sometimes the best way for me to articulate that voice is through the gift of writing.  Writing is the best therapist I could ever have.

I recently realized that something in me was changing.  I almost did not recognize myself.  I looked into my mirror and the person staring back was a face that I did not even know anymore.  Maybe it's because I have stretched myself too thin over the past few years, or that I have worn so many different hats that I no longer knew if I was coming or going, or maybe it was that I am just getting older.  I don't have all the answers, but I know enough to realize that I needed to figure out who this Rachel was, and align it with who I want to be.

In many ways I am that person, but the problem is I don't take any time to understand who that person truly is.  Am I who I am because this is who I want to be?  OR is it because it is what is expected of me? 

I still want the things I have always wanted - to love and be loved while making the greatest impact I can for Him...

2011 is an opportunity to figure out what that dream looks like now.  I am only good to others, if I am good to myself.  2011 is a chance for me to be the best me I can be me for me, and then use that to love others well...  So, here we go.  Thanks for joining in my journey.  It's time to share my story, it is time to stop procrastinating... I have words that need to  be written.