Tuesday, January 4, 2011

chapter 2.5

Chapter 2.5 

I am tired and therefore this blog post will be brief, but I wanted to pick back up where I left off 2 blogs ago...

As I sat on the top of the mountain gazing at the stars I had one of the realest most beautiful moments I had ever shared with my mom.  She told me his name.  You might think, really a name?!  What's the beauty in a name?  

The beauty does not rest in the name of my dad ---  but in the moment of transparency and love my mom shared with me in that night.  

You see, she chose me when he did not.  She adjusted her life and her dreams when she could have chosen a different path for herself and for me.  So for her to give me the name of the man who changed her life and had not had any hand in being there for me must have been one of the greatest challenges a mom could ever face.

As a mom who sacrificed, I can't imagine how hard it would be to know your life was about to change and your child sought something more than they could comprehend and if your child pursued that something - there would be no guarantee of a positive result - in fact the opposite was more plausible.

As much as I didn't understand so much of what my mom did when I was a kid she was the only constant I had.  She taught me something that is almost impossible to teach - the art of surviving, achieving, and thriving regardless of what life throws you.  I'm grateful for all she did for me, for the person she is, for the person she helped shape me into even when it doesn't make sense.  There is a rhyme to her reasoning.

And because she did the very thing I never thought she would, I didn't do anything with that name for two years.  I grew to respect her in a brand new way.  My search for dad, for understanding my roots came to a halt when I saw the humanity, the love, and the bravery she had that night.

She had become my hero and she had become my friend.  A light bulb went off.  Our relationship would never be the same.  

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