Sunday, January 9, 2011

Chapter 3.2

Chapter 3.2:  it's time to put your big girl pants on and step up

I was in trouble.  I just got the biggest news I would ever receive... I was going to have a baby.  This reality brought a swell of thoughts, fears, decisions...  Although I instantly knew what the decision would be.  I would be a mother.  

As liberal as I am in letting others make choices regarding this difficult decision - there was never a choice for me.  I made the decisions that led to this, I was going to take responsibility for that choice.

My boyfriend was thrilled, and so was his family.  My family was, well, the opposite.  

I was just a scared kid, but I knew what I had to do and that was -  grow up.  My number one priority now was being the very best I could for that baby.  I didn't want my baby to have the same beginnings that I did or it's dad did.

Now what did this mean for me and chris?  We had been dating for only 3 months.  We didn't even know each other - let alone know ourselves.  

Just two years before I had been leading in cell group (bible study) as a 16 year old that was committed to the Lord and His promises.  I was going to do things the right way.  The name "Rachel" in Hebrew means - ewe and mother.  I was asked to teach a lesson in my bible study about God as our Shepherd and how we were His sheep.  And just like the shepherd will leave his herd to go after the one missing sheep - God will seek us out when we are lost if we call on Him.

I remembered this a few days after I found out.  I was a child of God, regardless if I lost my way and left the herd for a while.

I remember sitting in my bath tub, crying, and I called out to the Lord out loud - "God, help me.  I've messed up.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell my mom.  I don't want to give up on my dreams.  I want to be a good mom.  I want to know You again.  I want to do Your will.  I need strength and courage."

As my tears rolled down my cheeks and into the water I remember feeling... Just feeling.  For so much of my life I was told not to feel, not to dwell in things, but to put on my big girl pants, to suck it up, and move on.  I never knew what it was like to process emotions or to learn how to feel.  I just knew how to keep emotions buried, and walls built up.  

As I sit there in one of the scariest, loneliest times, a wave of peace melted over me.  When I called out for Him, He answered.  I was going to be okay.  In that moment, I remembered the prayer I asked for as a little kid over and over again throughout the years- I had wanted a baby and marriage by age 19.  Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy?  This wasn't the way I had planned that prayer.  

When you ask God to give you, your will, and not His will be prepared to understand that may mean serious challenge and struggle.  

God was going to take care of me, even if I had made a mess of doing it my way for too long.  I just had to fix my eyes on Him.

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