Monday, January 10, 2011

Chapter 4: let's do this thing

Chapter 4 - let's do this thing

By the grace of God, I started to feel like I was growing close to Him again.  As afraid as I was to tell my family, friends, and people at church - God saw me through it.  It was pretty rough for those first few months.  Most of my family was in a state of shock - I had a lot of shame that came with that also.... BUT as time tends to do - we found healing.  

And just as God always does, He provided me with what I needed - mentors, women of faith who I met with regularly, who prayed for me, believed in me, and treated me with dignity.  

Chris and I were going to make this work - even if it killed me.  He wanted to be a dad - the dad we both always wanted for ourselves.  Both of our families, and almost all our friends put pressure on us to get married.. "it was the right thing to do". 

We didn't want to get married because we were having a baby, and we convinced ourselves that if we waited to get married until after our son was born than somehow it would be for the right reasons.  We did love each other, there is no denying that.  We found something in each other that we both had never had before - a deep sense of understanding surrounding our shared void and sadness of not understanding why both our dads were gone. 

So after knowing chris for only 4 months, we had a baby on board and we planned to get married after the baby arrived.  We had grown very dependent on one another in that short time - dependent to an unhealthy state.  

As I started renewing my relationship with the Lord, I started putting that same expectation on Chris.  I wanted him to go to church, become a spiritual leader, and meet with men who could help him stay on the right track.  

He didn't really want those things.  Chris had gone to church as a teenager, believed in all the same things I did, was "saved", but never had the same wants, desires, and values.  I'm not judging him for that.  When I met him, I was in one of the darkest periods in my life.  I wasn't acting like someone who knew the Lord.  

It wasn't that he was against me doing those things either, they just weren't a priority for him.  

He was complex.  Church hadn't always been a positive experience for him.  He never had the example of what men seeking the Lord looked like.  The little he did see was of men who went to church only as if to check it off their to-do list each week.  A personal relationship with the Lord did not make a lot of sense to him.

And yet - here arose another problem within me - I had become the "fixer" and was convinced he would grow into those things - I mean, he was "saved" - that meant we were "equally-yoked" right?  :-(

A few months later, our son was born.  He was beautiful.  Our marriage followed 7 weeks later.  I had willingly participated in every decision that led to our new life together.  I walked in with eyes wide open, and I had no one to blame for what was about to happen - but myself.

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