Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Chapter 4.5: the web that kept spinning

Chapter 4.5

Chris and I were great parents... We were mediocre husband and wife, and below average roomies.

We had a lot of great moments, but we had more difficult ones.  As our marriage grew, we both were growing too but in different directions - that's what happens when you get married young - you still have to grow up.

There were certain things I just couldn't be okay with.  I began trying to control and fix all the things that I knew weren't good for him and weren't good for us.  He didn't want to be controlled or fixed.  Who would?

When you get married you have to go into it fully loving the other person for who they are - not for who they could be. 

There are a lot of areas you can compromise on with your spouse but if you don't share the same values and beliefs and keep those things centered in your relationship - it will NEVER work.

As I have said in previous posts about how certain details are not mine to share about my childhood and my mom and dad's break-up - I also don't think it's appropriate to share the explicit details of my ex-husband's mistakes.  

We both made some mistakes in our marriage - mine was the need to control, his will remain his to share.  

I felt like I was swimming in a tank of loneliness and disappointment.  I had lost a lot of my confidence and there was no trust in our relationship.  I felt sick everyday.  I was always waiting to hear the next disappointment.  I couldn't get over anything he did.  I was trapped in a marriage that I had created.  Was this my punishment?

  I finally convinced him to come with me to get help for us.

Over the next three years, we tried to rectify what we had through counseling, celebrate recovery, and bible studies.  We even tried a secular therapist that Chris wanted to go to so he wouldn't feel "judged".  I was experiencing healing for myself.  We were not experiencing marital healing.

The only thing keeping us together was our son - he was the light of my life.  I love that smiling boy and he brought out a maternal sense in me I never knew I had.  I was going to do whatever it took to keep my marriage together - I wanted him to have a mom and a dad.  

Chris was a good dad, and chris needed our son in his life as much as our son needed him.  I will always believe he is a good person, no matter what bad choices he may have made.  Lord, knows we have all made poor decisions at some point in our lives.  

We would have pockets of happiness - where our marriage would actually feel right.. It would usually last a couple weeks or maybe a month - and then it would crumble down around me again.  And each time it crumbled down it broke me in a new way.  

I was clinging to God in a way I never knew.  I kept going to the counseling - most of the time by myself - many times without chris even knowing.

I would return home and try to practice grace and Proverbs 31 - not having a sharp tongue, practice not having to control... Trying to be meek and mild.  Sometimes it would work - other times I just couldn't take what he was doing.  We both knew how to get under each others skin.  

Our relationship could easily be compared to that Katy Perry song "hot or cold" whatever its called :-) we were either - amazing or horrible - in love or in hate.  There was nothing steady about us.  And yet we both put on a great show for all of our friends and family.  We were the "happiest" couple around them, because to admit that we were struggling was to admit we were wrong.  Neither of us wanted anyone to know....

We hadn't touched each other in months.. We went out to dinner one night and had a great night - "a pocket of happiness".  The next day we were back to the hell we had created.  A few weeks later I woke up and I just knew.  Yep, positive.

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