Chapter 6.2 - more words that start with the letter "D"
Word número dos - DAD...
Regardless of whether I personally wanted to forgive my dad or not, I really did want to finally get rid of my bitterness, loneliness, and most of all my victimization that I had felt from years of abandonment - I was so tired of playing all those roles and feeling the weight those emotions carried. I was more than a statistic, I was a person, and it was time to deal with the ugliness so I could get to the beautiful.
I just didn't know how exactly I was going to do that. I began praying with other women that I had confided this prompting to, and for two weeks I battled with how I was going to actually forgive him.
Forgiveness does not mean we agree with things that have been wrongly done unto us. It's not a word to just throw out there either. To have true forgiveness means to accept that wrong-doings will happen to us, but because of the grace we have received then we must also give that same grace freely.
When we give that type of grace - it's the type that comes with no strings, no judgments, and no further mention of the past problem. It's a grace that none of us deserve but since we have it - then we are responsible to use it the way it was intended -- to point us all up to the Lord.
Forgiveness is more for self than the one you are forgiving - more for growth closer to the Lord and His promises than our earthly relationships.
So when I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to be more than clear on whether it was really necessary for me to do this and He kept prompting it again and again. I knew I had to obediently listen.
One morning I woke up and felt great. Despite my years of anger and sadness and any other emotion you could think of - on this one morning I just felt completely at peace. It was the peace that I knew He had provided, because as the day progressed I saw His hand lay out people and things that totally aligned with what I was about to do.
I sat down at my computer midday and prayed for God to keep this sense of healing going. I hadn't felt better - ever. A weight was lifted, and as it was my fingers began to type - it had been almost four years since I had last talked to my dad.
As I typed, God led and helped me express my forgiveness, my letting go, my hopes and dreams for myself and for him with no expectations but a definite desire of mending our relationship. If he did not want further contact that was okay, but I had to tell him that I was no longer living with anything but healing. I wish you well - hope to hear from you soon. Love, Rachel -------> send button
Days went by.... Weeks went by... And then months.
My dad never responded, and guess what? I was okay. I was okay in a way that I never ever knew possible. God was working in me and He knew it would be a loss for me but he also knew I was quite alright because I had given God all of me. I was growing. God was revealing new truths to me about himself and about me every single day.