Monday, January 24, 2011

Chapter 6.3 - the last "D" word

Chapter 6.3 - the last "D" word

So, God was moving mountains of healing in some areas of my life where other areas were being deeply pruned.  That's the thing about following Christ, it's not a guarantee of earthly happiness, it's a guarantee of being shaped, molded, and bent to understanding Him.  The eternal rewards for being obedient outweigh the earthly losses.

Those next few weeks came like a car wreck...you know the kind that is so horrible but you can't look away?  The biggest problem was this time I was the driver of the car, and my airbag felt as though it had imploded within me.  I couldn't look away because I was in it, not because I was curious...

I guess the biggest challenge arose when I faced a certain ugly - my marriage was not working.  It hadn't been since the start, and it was as if the unbearable ending was just as unbearable as the daily routine.  We didn't want the same things, we didn't believe in the same things, and only one of us was receptive to working on things.  

The first time I mentioned the last "D" word was the first time I really let it sink in that there was going to be an end to the life I had willingly participated in creating.

After years of counseling, prayer, celebrate recovery, more prayer, more counseling and much more betrayal I had reached my maximum level of unhealthiness within the home.  It no longer was a choice, but almost a sentencing.

Me, "do you think we should just get divorced?" 

"yeah."

There was no big fight, no let's work it out, as quickly as I muttered the words the reality that this was all he was waiting for -- hit me.  I was pregnant, he wasn't going to initiate it, but it he was relieved I had thrown it out there.

He was relieved.

I was blank.

In the movie and I'm sure the book, Eat Pray Love, Julia Roberts character says something along the lines of "the only thing more impossible than the thought of leaving was the thought of staying."  

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