Friday, January 28, 2011

Chapter 7 - may we

Chapter 7: may we...

"May we never worry more about what others think of us than what God thinks of us." - me  :-)

I was about to do the unthinkable.  And by unthinkable, I understand the concept of divorce is very thinkable for 50% (or more) of americans in today's world - but I guess I had imagined myself one of the other 50%,

Every girl dreams of their perfect prince charming, the man who will lead them, provide for them, protect them, wow them - the man who will be chivalrous, who will sweep them off their feet, who they will never fight with, who they can have a happy ever after with...  I'm not saying that dream is impossible but I can say the expectation of Prince Charming doesn't always align with Prince Realistic.  

Even the most God fearing man is still a man.  And I am not in the position to judge my ex-husband.  It's not my job or role or desire - I did that for too long. 

The reality was that biblically I had cause to leave my marriage although emotionally I dealt with huge guilt in doing so.  I felt like a failure, and during those months I almost felt as if I had to justify every step I was taking to everyone I knew.  I couldn't do it, I could not make it right and although we tried and tried through so many resources we just could not do it.

The idea of being "biblically-justified" didn't keep me from constantly doubting if I had really given it the best I could.  Did I do everything in my power to save us?  How was I going to explain to my 3 year old and newborn that they would never know what it was like to have their mom and dad in the same home?

No matter how horrible things were and how unhealthy the state in which are marriage lied, I couldn't shake that I was ruining something for my children - that I was robbing them of the very things that I felt I did not have - the opportunity to have both parents.

I guess more than that weight I started questioning my own desires.  Was I being selfish in wanting more than what I had?  Was I giving up on a man who just needed more love and direction and maybe I didn't do a good enough job as a wife to fulfill our marriage?

The answer to all these questions was NO, and stop thinking.

As I met with my pastors, mentors, and yes even a counselor (and as a side note - don't ever be ashamed of going to someone for council - it's a biblical and healthy thing - it's not being weak it's being obedient), but as I met with these people I realized that all the feelings I had were okay.  They were normal, they were justified, and they were things I needed to allow myself to feel.

To go through a divorce is to grieve.  And grieving has steps.  The first step was simple ---

Stop caring what everyone thinks, and listen to what the Lord thinks.  His opinion is the ONLY one that mattered.

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