Friday, January 14, 2011

Hitting the pause button

I'm hitting the pause button

I have to take a break tonight from the story and just talk about present day.  I haven't yet jumped to some of the best parts of my story.  One of those best parts is a healed amazing relationship I now have with my dad, and yes I will definitely go into that and those details as I continue to post.

Tonight though I pause to just express my gratitude.  My dad and I have a great relationship now.  We talk everyday.  He has some health issues and has to take a lot of medicine for heart-related issues - blood pressure, etc.  He's been in and out of the hospital a couple times over the past few years, but I have never had to experience that with him yet... Until tonight.

Tonight I got the call from his wife that he was in the hospital.  He had gotten sick at work and fainted, awoke with slurred language, blood pressure was extremely low and completely disoriented.  

It's funny, I haven't been the steady source during crisis for this family yet, but I naturally somehow became that again.  It seems that in the midst of crisis I am the girl to have around.  I have always been this way.  I morph into this logical, calm, and incredibly stabilizing being... And then hours later in the privacy of my own home (usually once my husband and kids have gone to bed) then I have my moment of bawling.  Tonight was no different.

As I sat and watched my dad in this vulnerable and weak state, our eyes met.  A weird thing about our relationship since we have reconnected was this instant connection and understanding we share.  I can almost always know what he's thinking by one look.  Tonight his eyes looked at mine, and he tried to talk, and really could barely get words out.  It was the first time I saw him have true fear in his expression.

I can't tell you the emotion that hit me in seeing this.  My dad is a man who never fears, is known as being very powerful, the one who is "steady, calm, collected, logical".  Sound familiar?

And yet despite his inability to talk without struggle, or other health issues going on - he still tries to entertain the rest of his family, reassuring them, asking them to go home.  He couldn't stop worrying over their worry.

I leaned over to him and whispered, "I'll take care of it.  You have to stop worrying about everyone else.  Let me take over for you now, ok?".  He smiled and whispered back, "you are the only one who could".  And so I did.

As the night progressed, he also progressed.  He held my hand really tightly at one point, and I could just see in him the fears and uncertainty that he tries to hide from everyone else.  It was just such a sobering night.

I am very grateful because he is doing a lot better now.  I'm also grateful for some of my friends who have been praying on our behalf.

As I drove home, a wave of emotion hit me.  I really love him.

It has taken me 20(+) years to actually really let myself feel that, but after tonight I have no doubt. 

1 comment: