A break in chapters -- my bag of outs
I am about 2/3 done with reading John sowers book "fatherless generation". This book has meant more to me than any other "self-help" book I've ever read. For those that know my story, you know it's the story of a little girl who grew up looking for dad. A little girl who masked her emotions well, and who really craved attention. A little girl who was never content in anything because I was always waiting for some additional sense of acknowledgment or always onto the next way I could achieve something... I wanted the spotlight, but what I really wanted was a dad to give me affirmation.
Over the many years my faith in men had been lost.. It was not until I met my husband now that I could clearly understand what it meant to have a man I could trust - who I could depend on, who did not love me with conditions --- BUT even still with his sweet consistent love and leadership I have problems letting him in too close.
I call it "my bag of outs" -- in everything I do I have to have an out planned. Everything - I mean it - a contingency plan that is setup so if something does not go the way I feel it should I have a back-up. This isn't always a bad thing, but it can easily change from a good thing to a horrible thing. Always waiting for the pin to drop, the other foot to fall, and when it does I can say I was prepared, and when it doesn't I feel like I spent my time with walls built around me.
I don't perform for people anymore like I did when I was a child, but I did perform for God a LOT over the past few years. God, watch me take good care of my kids, God watch me get a job to help teens like I was, God watch me love this person and serve them... God watch me try to do Your commands. All the while waiting for His pin to drop --- and it never did.
There is something in growing up without a dad that deep inside me craves what little girls do who want to feel like they were a princess, that they were enough, and that dad was proud of me.
After 24 years without a dad - I have my dad in my life for the first time in my life now over the past year and he says the things I always wanted to hear... And I still have a hard time being content with those words, of believing them, of even understanding how he could have those feelings about me. But to hear the words are sweeter than to never hear them. To see his smiles and hear the pride in his voice, is better than to never had.
Regardless of what I believe, there is healing in just being in relationships with people. He carries around guilt, and I carry around a sense of earthly inadequacy. Not inadequate in being God's girl, but inadequate as an earthly child who may never feel that void has been filled from a dad who was gone too long. But oh how I am grateful to have this special time with him now regardless of the years that were missed.
No matter how much God is my eternal Dad, and trust me I stuck to that promise for years. There is still that glimmer of us that never forgets there is another dad out there who is not choosing us.
I don't feel bad about myself, or lack self confidence or esteem. I lack the desire to be stagnated - to do nothing - and I'm not looking for a pat on the back for the things I do. The only true audience we have is an audience of One. Learning to be content in how He feels about me is liberating. It's a healing like I've never felt before.