Monday, February 14, 2011

Chapter: year one

Chapter:: year one

There is much of my story that I have yet to write, and I realize this blog has taken many time traveling adventures from past to present, to future, back to present, past, you catch the drift.

However, if you know me at all - you know I write only when I feel prompted to do so - writing has to matter, words written have to matter - tonight's no different.

Year one is another blog post for now with references from then.  Best of both... Just go with it, I certainly am.

If anyone would have told me that by age 24, I'd be getting remarried.  I would have punched them in the jaw and said never again.  After my divorce from chris, I decided marriage was the furthest thing from what I wanted.  I wanted a life for me and my kids, and no one else.  Because that meant I couldn't be hurt again... I did not need a man to define me. :-)

Funny, because every single time I believe my plans - God has thrown me a curve ball.  Who am I to put my plans before His?  I'll tell you - I am very small.

When I first became single, most of my friends tried to set me up with people.  I never wanted to go, until one night I thought - it would be great to go have a free meal with someone, it's not a forever commitment it's a two hour commitment.  So, I did.  In fact, my confidence really boosted.  I went to dinner and movies with a few different people.  All those knew my heart on wanting to keep things simple - no relationships, please.

Many months later, I became heavily involved with my church's singles ministry.... Not because I wanted to meet men, because I wanted to be around people my own age, in my season, who loved the Lord.  I began hosting group at my home, and cooking each week for the girls and guys in bible study.  I found a new sense of purpose and met so many wonderful people - girls and guys - amazingly wonderful people who loved me and loved my kids.

One night a guy in the bible study - we will call him steve :-) - caught my attention with his clever wit making a hilarious joke and I seemed to be the only one who thought it was hilarious.. 

"Who are you??" -- (I thought)

What started as casual small talk turned into hours upon hours of conversation about life, faith, relationships, and love.  What started out as friendship grew into an incredible desire to be more, and months later a man who never wanted to even think of dating a woman who had been married or who had kids was on his knee in front of a castle, fireworks in the background, asking this woman to share a life with him.

He stole my heart from day one.  I really did not want to give it though.  There was trepidation about timing, worrying about everything, basically not allowing myself the chance to really enjoy any of it.  We were engaged for a year before actually exchanging vows, :-)

And over our year long engagement, I tried everything possible to subconsciously ruin our relationship - constantly searching for something to go wrong or fall through, a reason why it wouldn't work... About six months into being engaged, the best thing happened.  We went to premarital counseling.

I learned what it meant to let my fiancĂ© lead.  I also learned what it meant to let go of having to control everything.  It was such a blessing for us both.

When we got married, we washed each others feet during the ceremony.  It was the first time I felt complete healing of washing away my old life and God's blessing over a new one.  God allowed me to find a man who physically and emotionally swept me off my feet.  A man after Gods heart, tender in spirit but exuding strength in faithfulness.

Steve really blessed me.  He has been a strong steady source of consistent love more than any other earthly friend or family member.

He loves me - agape love.  And I love him the same.  He has taught me what it means to love like that.  Sometimes (most times) the best thing for us is love someone steadily.  The best relationships aren't ones that are of all passion all the time - consistently of incredible highs and lows.  The best relationships are ones where no matter what happens - there is a partnership, a centering around God, a steady sounding board.  It's a steady love.

This week we celebrate our first wedding anniversary.  He brought me back to cinderella's castle, where it all started.  Year one has been an incredible journey - more so than most probably have to endure their first year... But we've made it, and we are happy, and we so truly love one another more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

Year one --- always only you

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