Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Chapter 8: resuming the story

This blog goes back to the "past" check box. Go back and read from the beginning if you are confused, :-). The year is 2007.

 I don't know if this writing and openness is as much for those who read it or for me as I write it... Either way my sole prayer is that He is glorified through it, so I'll keep writing.  And if you are reading, may this somehow resonate within you and your own journey of healing.  And for me, I pray God uses this vulnerability and transparency to help me continue to see His direction in my life. 

Besides the story with my marriage the story of my education was also running parallel and that part of my story is actually very exciting - I had been going to school this whole time.  I had finished a corporate degree/SHRM certification in Human Resource Management.  I decided I wasn't done with school and was excited to be going back to finish my bachelors in communication.

At the same time, I was working full-time in ministry, going to school full-time, managing a home business, and my daughter was on her way.  We kept it together for a few weeks as I recovered from my csection... And yet nothing was really kept together.

In the next few weeks I moved out, with both kids in tow, and I was committed to making my life work.  I wasn't going to disappoint myself or my two kids.  I distinctly remember once I got all my stuff moved in and everyone had gone home except my mom.  She was about to go home to her own house and I got really emotional.  A wave of fear, loneliness, and sadness hit me.  I could not do it.  How was I ever going to really do this?

It was late, a weekday night, my house was full of boxes, my two children both under the age of 3, and I was only 22 years old... And a single mom.

She looked at me and said, "it breaks my heart to see you go through this pain, and it's going to be very hard... But you can do this, you are strong, and it might take you through hell and back but you are going to make it.  I can't do it for you even though I want to.  You will survive this.  You are going to succeed - take it one day at a time.  Call me if you need anything."

Her words were wise.  I didn't know what to do with those words though.  I didn't know anything.  So, I wiped my tears and put a kid movie in and cuddled up with my babies.  It was the beginning of a new life.  

When they fell asleep, I threw myself down on the living room floor in tears, crying out to God, begging for clarity, direction, anything, something.  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I was up for greenlee's 3am feeding, and then I woke up again with the sun shining brightly.  

Alright let's do this day two.

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