Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Because to have a blog means you really should write in it

Because to have a blog means you have to write in it...

I've wanted to write lately but every time I begin to - I quickly find myself stammering around lacking motivation or the right words to write.

Tonight's post will be brief but is needed.

I feel good.  I feel right where I'm supposed to be - a feeling I've lacked for several months.  Contentment.  It's growing on me and I'm starting to learn it's okay to enjoy life again.

For a while there (too long of a while) a certain amount of guilt creeped in every time I'd start to feel contentment or happiness.  It sounds crazy, but when you work in social services you see people with such great need and it's puts your own life into a different perspective especially the part where "maybe I shouldn't get to enjoy this knowing so many people are suffering."

This is going to be a lifelong struggle for me.  It just is.  But I'm learning it's okay to enjoy things and take certain joy in seasons of our life.  I can't be good to others if I am not good to myself.

The decision to give up a good job to stay home drudged up it's own amount of guilt - knowing how many people have been laid off and desperately need employment and I just didn't want it anymore... But all that has changed now.  

I don't feel guilt in being happy.  It is amazing what happens when you no longer allow yourself to be driven by the dime....  Money used to be a huge stressor when I worked full-time - a means to a good life for my family.  

Now I'm looking at money as a means to pay our bills and save a little.  It's just a dollar.  It's not my Savior.

As I'm typing this I realize I'm rambling... But as I ramble I realize something even greater:

The second I allowed myself to not have to know everything about where my life was going was the second I finally felt free... There is an unmatchable freedom in knowing I have no control over all my future unknowns.

So with gratitude I'm praising Jesus for loving me and providing a way back to His restful arms...

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