Wednesday, July 6, 2011

you you and you

you, you, and you...

A few days ago I heard something and it got me thinking, "when you can look at the worst parts of yourself and come to grips that it's okay to not be perfect, than you have real victory."

There are many parts of me that I am ready to claim imperfect, OBVIOUSLY but I have narrowed it down to these wondrous three- we can call them you, you, and you...

You #1 -  This you is otherwise known as "victim Rachel" -

the 18 year old girl who grew up without dad, who got pregnant and married too young, divorced too young, and then had to deal with myself finally as a 21 year old girl with two children and a lifetime of hurt... Victim Rachel liked to blame people.  She liked to remind herself of all of her hurts and didn't mind openly sharing why others should see her hurts and take pity on her.  Victim Rachel liked making excuses, and didn't have much confidence.  

Victim Rachel found victory for her losses through the counsel of amazing people, and learned how to manage loss.  Grieve loss.  Be empowered by loss.  Depend on Him for loss.  Use loss to help others.  

Victim Rachel became Victorious Rachel.  But even still on a cloudy day the little tiny seed of victim Rachel tries to still find hold at times.  And that is why victim Rachel stays in this list.

I claim victim Rachel as a complete imperfection, and in that I break free from those definitions of loss.

You #2 - Identity Rachel. 

Identity Rachel is the you that easily throws herself into her work... What does my work want me to be?  How does my job make me - me?  Identity Rachel has to continuously remind myself of the reason I do what I do - which is not for the man, but it is for The Man!!!  

This you often rollercoasters through the work/life balance... In fact Identity Rachel thrives in the juggling act and can do it unbelievably well while fooling all those around her with how weary she really is... Right up until her health begins to be affected sometimes with lack of sleep sometimes with poor nutrition sometimes with nights of extreme lack of all motivation.

Identity Rachel learned a big lesson this past year when she left a job that was too much of her identity leaving her to realize she was fulfilling her identity in the wrong place... Work became an idol.  Identity Rachel became an idol.  

Identity Rachel finds victory in knowing who I truly answer to.  In trusting it's not about the place I work but the calling.  Identity Rachel finds victory in amazing friends and an amazing husband who embraces her and keeps her accountable to balance.  Identity Rachel is imperfect but victorious.

You #3 - Control Rachel

Control Rachel is the you that started when I was just a wee child :-)

Control Rachel stemmed from feeling like my world was ripped away as a child, therefore I had to have something I was in control of.  And anytime crisis arose Control Rachel thrived.

Control Rachel likes to know she is in charge of things:  where money is spent, how we spend it, where we eat dinner, how my time is spent, deadlines... Anything I could control made me feel safe.

Control Rachel really flared up during my divorce when I was amidst extreme crisis.  My need to know everything and anything and the where's and why's and who's became a cluster.

Control Rachel found a LOT of victory in counseling when I was younger.  However, still control rachel pops out from time to time to remind me how dependent I need to be on the Lord and not myself.  And Control Rachel loves to make me worry and have anxiety over the things I can't control.

Control Rachel has learned to take the back seat most times now.  She has found victory in being able to embrace the unknown, and allow Him to work.  Control Rachel is imperfect but victorious in the Lord.

What are your you you and yous?

If I am to live transparently I need to be real honest by myself.  When we can identify the parts of our flesh that trip us up, that cause us to stumble- then we can be more equipped to embrace He who is in us.  Just a thought - thanks for letting me be transparent.   

Tackle those yous!  
Live victoriously!

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