Monday, September 12, 2011

me or Him?

me or Him?
I often wonder if God allowed me to make so many mistakes in life so I could fully embrace His grace. My past is full of things I'm not proud of: having a child outside of marriage, marrying someone impulsively to prove people wrong, divorce, failures, bad relationships...

I know God doesn't lead us into sin... but sometimes I wonder if my path into all the wrong things was in some way divinely planned...because if I hadn't come from that and experienced His true grace and healing, I may not have the heart that I do now for those who are walking a similar path...

Lord knows I probably would have never gone into social work, or understood what showing and receiving compassion could look like. I would never have a heart to help the orphan, or the teenager, or the single mama... Or met the man of my dreams who had his world rocked also by the thought the he would never date someone with a kid.. Just to marry someone who had two. Lol

In many ways I question whether God had it planned out this way from the start. Did He plan for me to go through so much challenge and darkness so I could know Him and love Him? Or was it my sinful nature that embraced "free will" and just made a mess of things?

I don't know. I ponder the question often though. I'm a believer of pre-destination in the sense that God knows my beginning, middle, and end before I ever walked this earth. That thought makes the idea of free-will a question mark at times.

Yes, the Bible says we have free-will in the fact we choose what we do, etc... But the Bible also says He chose us, He knows everything about us and what choices we will make.

He knew before time began that I would write this blog. :)
So was it God's plan that I screwed up my life so I could feel the true love and mercy from my failures and be redeemed in His victory?

These are questions that I may only have answers to when I reach His kingdom, but these are the things I can't help but think about.

If my life was lived more "Christ like" from the beginning would I know Him -- truly know Him-- like I do now...?

Would I appreciate His grace this much? Would I go seek out the ones who are hurting the way I once did?

I just don't know. Either way I believe God brought me here, whether it was always His plan or the new plan, :)

I continue to question His methods out of love and a healthy fearing reverence. I tend to believe He was always steering my ship even in the rough waters, so one day I could embrace healing to show His love to others.

I tend to believe it was Him all along.

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