Tuesday, October 4, 2011

the 100th post... [food for thought]

I noticed as I opened up my blog, that there were 99 posts written so far this year... So, it only seemed appropriate to celebrate this 100th one.  So, yay!  Ok, enough celebrating :) now back to the original intent of this post... food for thought

I have been pretty open with you all about my struggles with food... and not with food in general, I mean food as an idol.  I love it.  a LOT.  I eat when I am happy.  I eat when I am sad.  I eat when I celebrate.  I eat when I am stressed.  I love food.  I love cooking.  I love creating.  I love eating.

I always find myself in this situation of "wanting to take a stand"  "make a stand" "lay down this idol" "break this stronghold" and I do well for a while... and then I fail, and I get discouraged, and I fad diet, and I kill myself at the gym, and then some sort of crisis always happens in my life and I get off of it for a while.  Then, of course a week of being off turns into three months of being off, which turns into another 10lbs. I need to lose, which goes back to vicious cycle of self-loathing, hating my body, pretending I don't care about my health, pretending that settling with my body is okay with me, and then wanting to do it all over again.... It sucks.

I have learned about myself that I cannot diet anymore.  I just can't.  Or maybe a better word is "won't"...

I want to be healthy.  I want this stronghold to break.  I want to trust God with the same faith I give Him with other things and follow-through with this, but I struggle daily.  The truth is I want --- I want --- I want...

I sound like a nagging child whining about things.  The bigger truth is, I need... I need my God to deliver me from this.  I need my God to fight this one for me.  I need to stay patient.  I need to commit to the long-haul.

I don't know what else to say on the topic other than - on a daily basis people often remind me of how blessed I am.  I am so entirely blessed, but I fight a daily battle with myself, and satan is getting way more victory than he should from me.  People often say how encouraged they are by me, and the truth is I am encouraged so much each day by what the Lord is doing in my life and the people and opportunities He brings to my life, but one thing slows me down and gets in the way every single day... and it is me... It is my brokenness, my idolization of food, my self-image...  I struggle and sometimes staying busy is what helps me to not deal with that one part of me that I can't seem to surrender.

Today I found out that there was one more opening in a bible study that I have been hearing about called Savor....

It is a cooking study that teaches us recipes, but also teaches us how to savor on Him.  It is not a diet or anything.  It provides daily scripture that is setup to help us thirst and crave Him more than anything else.  Most women are not doing it for a health thing.  But I am, and not weight loss health.  I am doing it for heart health.

I want to crave Him before anything else.  I don't have all the answers.  I just know that each day I have to keep laying this at His feet.  I have to keep trusting.  I have to not let it consume my thoughts because then it goes from an idol of thinking of food, of filling your day telling yourself not to think of food.  I cannot do it alone.  I have to rely on Him..

Tonight we made an apple cake... I had two pieces.  I will try again tomorrow :) and the next day and the next day and I will surrender this thing.  I will learn what true savoring of my Savior really is.

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