Thursday, October 13, 2011

being a kid for three months.

It is really hard sitting where I am sitting. 

I guess I should first preface this with what I always preface these posts with --- the amazing girl who lives with us is not in foster care, so we have the opportunity to actually share a few things about her (not that we want to disrespect her privacy, lol, but what I am trying to say is that if she was in foster care we would not be able to share anything about her).  Fortunately, our sweet M is part of our forever family now.

So, back to my actual blog....

It is very hard when you take in an amazing teenager, when you are able to give them a place to feel safe and secure, and let them finally be a kid, full well knowing her life is about to be forever changed.  See, our sweet amazing seventeen year old, will not have the chance to be a kid for long as she is having a baby in just three short months.  I have no doubt that she will be a wonderful mama.  I was only a year older than her when I had Jacob. 

I somehow feel now that I have a glimpse of what my own mother must have felt.  The pain of seeing such a young woman have to grow up so incredibly fast.  The worry of how hard her life will probably be, and all the things she will probably struggle with or may never achieve because of the added responsibility a baby adds to the mix....Having to watch your child just get by, and letting them do it on their own because that is the only way they will learn. 

(deep sigh)

Now take those emotions, and think about a seventeen year old that has never had the chance to truly be a child - never had the chance to play or shop or do "normal" things that most of her peers have done.  Now, think about finally being able to give her that chance and let her get excited for things and feel like a kid.  Then, think about having to completely turn that off in just a few short weeks when she has to grow up way too fast and become a mom.

She is not complaining.  She acts fearless, but I know deep down that she has to be scared shitless.  Wouldn't you be?  I know I was.  I still am sometimes, :).  I also am a closet curser.  It is true.  :)

The reality is these are the types of situations that are completely heart-breaking.  I love her so much.  I know she will be okay.  I just hate feeling like you can't solve something for your kids.

When I worked at TASC, I hated seeing my students struggle or hurt, but now being in the "mama" role it is truly a different game.  It is more than just the sympathetic emotion that you have for a kid, it is like watching a part of yourself head down a road that is all too familiar. 

She is such an amazing girl, and I am honored to get to be a part of her life.  I know she can do anything she sets her mind to, but it is so so hard watching and waiting and knowing that her childhood is almost over, and it had really just begun.

My heart is broken tonight.

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