Tuesday, November 29, 2011

once upon a bad week.. when we tossed ourselves aside

I am going to do a post for the "past" category... I have not done that in some time, so here it is...  I want to take you back to November of 2009.  This is a part of Steve and I's story that is a bit untold.  Most of the time people think we have always been roses and hearts, lol... Actually let me back up a little before that....

I had received the royal engagement in February of 2009 from a Prince who proposed to me under a castle.  We were engaged, and we had planned to marry in June of 2009.  I was really happy... I loved him deeply, and I knew he was my soul mate.

BUT then I was scared.  I had already had a failed marriage, and as a result I was a single mother of two very young kids.  I was not worthy of a Prince.  I pretty much tried to convince myself daily of all the reasons I was not supposed to have happiness with him.  I was undeserving.  I would never be able to give him, his "firsts" - first marriage, first child, first anything.  I had already done all that.  I had children.  I was too independent.  I was not lovable. I was ridiculous.  :) 

June was fast approaching, and I had cold feet.  I had come up with every excuse in the book as to why we should not get married yet and why I was not worthy of being his bride.  Steve was great.  He stood by me, as I spiraled into a sea of self-doubt and insecurity.  So, we prayed about it and changed the date to October.

After my divorce I had done counseling and felt really healed, and yet it was not until this moment that I realized that there were still some things that had to be processed through.  Scars from my past, and my unwillingness to see God had truly wiped my slate clean.  He had forgiven me, but I had not truly forgiven myself.

By July, I was too overwhelmed at the thought of October, so again we moved our wedding date now to February 2010.  A solid year of being engaged.  We both knew we wanted to be with each other forever, that was never the question....   The question really was, "would I be ready to really let go of who I used to be, to be willing to be who God was leading me to be?  Could I really move past it all?  Would I ever think I was good enough?"

Then, we began pre-marital counseling, and it was awesome and hard and good and messy.  We had to be really honest with ourselves and each other.  We both had a peace that February was God's perfect timing, until...

November 2009 came.

This whole time I had been the one freaking out, coming up with excuses, etc.  but in November Steve had his turn.  We had never "broken up" - we were never one of those couples that were off and on, we were always on.  But that November we did break up, for a whole week.  Lol.

It was the worst week of both of our lives, but it was also really great for both of us.  We realized how stupid we both were, and how miserable we were apart, and how we needed to let go of our insecurities and really commit to working through our stupid stuff - that we loved each other more than anything.

We were happily married in February of 2010.  We love each other, even when we don't like each other :), he is the one God put on this earth for me, and I almost let myself ruin that.

So why I am telling you all this?  Well, because God laid it on me to tell you for some reason.

I think a lot of times we let ourselves get in the way of our own happiness.  We focus on the negative, we worry, we doubt ourselves, we don't feel worthy... What if we did a better job in not sweating the small stuff, in picking our battles. 

Let yourself love, and give yourself a break.  It is okay to let love in.  Everyone deserves to be loved, and His grace covers us all.

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