the gift/curse of being expected.
So, the past few weeks have been especially rough marked with days of severe sickness, unusual stress, job changes, additions to our family, lots of doctors appointments and me lost somewhere in the in between.
So here is my Rachel rant for the season, and it's not too merry.
I have built my life around being available for others, mentoring relationships, being present, serving our community and running six different directions at the same time and doing it amazingly (sometimes that is) well.
The truth is the past few weeks I've neglected a lot of those relationships and friendships. I haven't been too available and to be honest - I'm exhausted. For the first time in a long time I decided that my own health and sanity were worth getting in order. And so, I've said no more than I've said yes. I've volunteered a lot less, and I'm learning that a lot of people don't care that I'm sick and feeling bad - I'm not as available as I once was which automatically makes me the bad guy now. Wow.
True friends get it. They get that by the time I get home and get my kids taken care of that all I want to do is put on pajama pants and call it a night. They get that by me not calling or texting as often its not that i love them any less. It is the craziness of the lives we lead. They get that my kids are going through some rough transitions and I'm even more sensitive to their needs right now.
I've struggled with a lot of guilt though. I've made commitments that I feel I've fallen short on, and although I have made apologies, tried to explain, offered sincere words, it's not enough.
This is the gift and curse of being expected.
Once you are expected in a person's life it means you have broken barriers, allowed for trust, and have proven and established presence which really means: love.
However, the flip side of that coin is that sometimes becoming someone that is expected is you have become an enabler, a fixer, and sometimes (many times) it is an unhealthy dependence.
It seriously hurts when I read posts on Facebook from friends who put things that I know are aimed at me, and my inability to be there for them as often as I once was. What I really want to comment is: "I've bent over backwards for you and sacrificed so much for you, and yet when I face challenge and need some time to refocus, I am made to feel bad for it".
The reality is I cannot be all for all. I wasn't made to be. We all have our limits and I will continue to seek truth and God's path. Praying I have the discernment to say yes when He wants me to, and no when He doesn't.
It's a beautiful life. Let's not spend it worrying.