So the past few weeks have been ridiculous with this 24/7 "morning" sickness... Tried tons of different meds, had to get routine IV fluids, being hungry but knowing if you eat anything you will just get sick. Being exhausted, having no energy, but somehow having to manage working, taking care of kids, and whatever else..
In short, it has sucked.
So much so, that I've been throwing a nice little pity party for myself on the inside... It's hard to admit but it's true. I've been angry with the way things have been. I've questioned God on what it is He is trying to show me. I've been crabby and withdrawn. I have turned my lack of energy into almost zero energy. I've been pissed at women who have the "pregnancy glow" when I am strutting the "pregnancy pale" from being dehydrated. I haven't been a very nice person (at least in my thoughts).
Tonight I remembered last minute that I had signed up to take a foster mama of eight kiddos dinner who is battling a rare but severe type of cancer. At first, I was angry at myself.
Why in the world had I signed up to make dinner for someone when the mere thought of cooking or preparing food made me sick?
Then, I felt God say, "Oh Rach, you signed up to do it because it is SO not about you and your needs. Stop this pity party...now!"
So, I marched my bruised butt in the kitchen and whipped up a tasty creation managing to not get sick in the process also :)
I packaged it up, and when Steve got home I told him I had to take it to them. Their house is near Decatur. Steve kept offering to take it, but I knew it was something I needed to do, and I also knew what awaited me...
A long conversation in the car alone with my Heavenly Father.
As I began to drive out in the crazy traffic, and winding roads I started praying. It didn't take long for God to start answering back.
"do you trust Me?"
"then roll with it, my daughter, it's all part of the bigger plan."
Deep sigh... I'm sorry for my attitude.
And right as I reached this epiphany, I realized I was coming up on my turn... A very dark gravel road.
I made it back through the woods, just thinking with every dip in the road... I am not too pleased with myself these days. Where is my joy?
When I pulled up to their home, I was greeted with a big smile from this mama. You could see joy radiating from her. We spent a few minutes chatting about her diagnosis, and her pain and discomfort. All the while she kept smiling, laughing, and pouring joy into me.
As I pulled away, I burst into tears... Here was this woman who was battling something horrible and although she was hurting, she still had joy...sovereign beautiful joy...
In comparison, my nausea and continuous vomitting seems pretty lame. I mean, yeah, I'm horribly sick but I'm getting a baby out of it.
Here is the amazing woman in excruciating pain taking care of eight children all the while with a big smile upon her face.
My prayer going forward is to embrace joy even the sickness, even in the things I do not understand, even when I don't want to :)
God is so so good and He always knows the very thing I need to hear or see. :)
I'm so glad He is the God of second, third, and two thousand do-overs :)