I have done it again. I have started letting comparison be the thief of my joy. And I feel stupid and guilty for doing it, but it seems like being transparent about my feelings and letting God have the glory in my weakness and sin is what I am being called to blog about this evening.
Hopefully this will resonate with someone, otherwise I am just exposing my ugly for no reason than to look like a complaining, sinful, brat....
So, here goes. Steve and I have been on the journey to foster care for almost a year... It was around this time last year that we felt God saying leap, and shortly after I quit my job and we went to our first foster care meeting, which led to trainings, and background checks, FBI fingerprints, and safety locks on our cabinets, and buying a fire extinguisher, getting CPR certified, making and posting an emergency plan on our fridge, and every other crazy detail that goes into this process. By July, we had checked every X on the to-do list, and were told all we needed was our final home study.
For six months we have been waiting on a home study... Now during which time we have had a LOT of changes in our household, no doubt, taking in one of my old students who was pregnant, me getting pregnant, issues with my kids' bio dad, job changes, pregnancy complications, you name it... BUT our hearts still yearn to be an open home and to take in more kids (even though realistically, we could probably only take one child more right now, and even then I know it will be crazier around here for a bit if we did).
We have sat and watched as some of the couples we had training with have opened, and yet here we still are. There have been some glitches with DHS that was supposed to have a contract social worker do our home study, but they have failed to do so yet.
This weekend another couple from our class posted that they were about to open as a home, and my heart kind of sunk. Why on earth should I have that kind of reaction??? HELLO, this is awesome news. This means another home will open, and more kids will be placed in a Christian home, my heart should be leaping for joy. And honestly, this couple is really great, and they may actually read this blog and I hope they know it is not personal, but instead of a positive reaction, my heart reaction was one of sadness and disappointment for myself.
Isn't that a crappy thing for me to admit?
Well, I agree. It is this big stupid sinful part of me that likes to question, "what is it God? are we not ready? would it be too much for me right now? are you changing your mind? have I upset You?"
And the guilt started rolling in as I thought about here I sat feeling disappointment, when a child is going to benefit from this, and He just is not ready for us to be the ones to do it yet.
I have been praying about it all weekend, and have been really disgusted with myself. Tonight I just asked God, "will you please take this ugliness away from me right now?"
A few minutes later I was browsing through Pinterest, and found this saying "Trust. Never put a question mark where God has put a period."
Ok, God, I get it now :) - my ugliness, my guilt, my disappointment really had nothing to do with this other family getting good news, but everything to do with me taking my eyes off His promise for my life. See, that is the worst part about what sin does... It will sneak into whatever crevice it can find, and try to blossom if you take your eyes off the path even for a second.
I don't need to question God on why or how or what. The answer has already been written - it will be when it is time.
So, I humbly request to be forgiven for this ugly, and think about how Jesus as he dripped the blood from his face while nailed upon that cross knew one day that the sin he was dying for was to cover times such as these. Times where my ugliness for the mission of what we are being called to in caring for the fatherless almost became stained by my sinful frustration.
So, we wait, we pray, and we love. We love the kids that are in our home tonight, tomorrow, and next year :)